I'm sat in a Sunday tummy-full soul-fed haze. It's the kind of thing I always schedule in on a Sunday (though, for some reason 'find a sense of peace for the day' seems to breed its exact opposite.) Today is different though. The skies have opened into a steady pour, the dog snoring next to me soundly. Some friends came over for lunch. I'm eating a biscuit. Life is good.
And, such grounds (that and having the house to myself finally! Yess!) create the perfect opportunity to think on the past week and reflect. Specifically on Made in Bristol, which is a kind of theatre-making residency housed by Bristol Old Vic Theatre that I'm part of for the year.
The first couple of days of any residency/course/place of work generally start with paperwork and tours and ice-breakers, and this was no different. We also assist in sessions with Old Vic's youth theatre (Young Company) so we had a fairly heavy session which dealt with child protection policy with that in mind, too.
That being said, although we haven't got into our main projects for the year, it has made me think about how important your first steps into any situation is. It's laying the groundwork for how things will move from now, and though you can, of course, change their course, you can never change those first steps. It's best to make them count.
Following that I felt a lot of pressure going into sessions this week! I found drama school really challenging, and being a theatre 'course' of sorts I brought some reservations coming into the week (lots of tears and snot in the interim). But the fact is, though we bring our past learning into new experiences, no matter how similar an environment (hell, even if it was the same course and the same place,) it just isn't the same. We can never live the same experience twice, and for that I feel excited; learning from a host of new and interesting experiences
Although there is a level of pressure that comes with opportunity, in the very recognition of that there is a release; it is a permission to go ahead and enjoy it. Pressure in something we love can be an easy point to self-flagellate on ie. 'this should be fun' or 'you're lucky to be here'. And while these thoughts are true, they mean very little if they aren't helping us to become more present. Without presence we don't leave ourselves open to joy and new learning.
And in such a spirit, I've really cleared my schedule for the next couple of weeks, and introduced meditation and breathwork to my mornings (for only as long as I find it helpful.) I know that this opportunity at Bristol Old Vic is a great one, but now I have to give myself space to discover what that is going to look like for me. Because I think that in a way where we want to be sits more in our bodies than it does in our minds; and I want to be ready to receive that. Whatever it may be. What ever it may end up looking like.
So while I recognise fear and the pressure of it, I full of with hope and thoughts of the future. Here's to an exciting new year of discovery at Bristol Old Vic!