Writing now in the silence and stillness that only a Sunday morning can provide- jarring perhaps if this reaches anyone during the Monday rush. It’s one of those times of week where things start to feel like they’re turning circles- turned up (sweaty and out of breath) to Aldi to find it was close and mum is too busy to take my calls. I’m taking this as a sign to embrace the silence, slow down a bit today.
I have had a strange feeling this week of juxtaposition- on the one hand I’ve got everything done that I wanted to (checklists neatly checked out in the journal that runs my life). I’m not sure what we’re to expect happening when one runs out of reasons to berate oneself. That feeling of riding a crashing wave of energy, looking forward to when you can just stop- getting there, then realising that resting can be a bit boring. I suppose these things go through seasons for all of us in the arts- from imposter syndrome to feeling ‘behind'. I actually think the arts is an industry where we accept these things as a given, more than other careers perhaps- or maybe it's more commonly spoken of as a necessity, a way of reclaiming the vulnerability that it can take to share the art that can be a sort of part of ourselves.
I spoke briefly to a director friend this week who questioned my reference to ‘only just having entered the industry’. What does this phrase even mean? There can be such a reaction generally when talking to people about ‘what one does’- from flippancy (‘ohh so you’re going to be homeless/live off your parents’ money’) to awe. And yet what does it even mean? Even what one does specifically can be split into so many different things- from jobs on the side to pay the bills, to vaguely related creative job to keep growing a variety of skills. Perhaps this enigma around what we do and where we work can contribute to a certain sense of self-doubt- in that we need to put more effort into knowing ourselves when someone in a suit isn't handing us a script.
But what lies beyond this? What happens when we get out of our way? When we bypass a season of self-doubt- what does one do? I find myself in this position as Tmesis theatre company's course -Wicked Women- comes to a close. At the start of the course I was unable to talk about myself as an artist without crying (#firstworldproblems...) and now I find myself just getting on with it, a mental block removed (turns out it really helps not bursting into tears when you're networking). Realising that you are out of a negative loop can actually feel very uncomfortable. When you've got out of your own way you suddenly find...nothing stopping you. There is a space left in your head after you've untangled something blocking you- like that bit in Run Fatboy Run (basically about a non-runner taking up the London Marathon) where he breaks through a mental wall in the race- a split second before the cheers and the final sprint, there is a split second of silence. A silence that the lack of noisy thoughts brings (or maybe it's the Sunday mood talking).
I don't know the answers to my questions, but I do know that such a space is one that could all too easily be filled with new negative ones (the world has plenty of those to go around). But I'd like to opt for a hopeful future. Maybe it is ok to ask for more, even when you're at the point where you once dreamed you would be. Time to aim higher than you ever thought possible- find new challenges to grow with. If I'm not filling the gap with negative thoughts, I guess I'll have to do with some ones that actually help me*sigh*.
Easier said than done of course. It's all well and good opting to 'make new and better decisions' but that sounds all too much like the mentality of a new years resolution (and 80% of those fail*). On Poppy Jamie’s podcast ('Not Perfect'), neuroscientist Tara Swart defines optimism as resilience + curiosity- notice that not a whiff of positivity is mentioned here. Now I just googled what positivity means and it said "the practice of being or tendency to be positive or optimistic", which really wasn't helpful and not the point I was trying to make. Positivity and optimism are different. Someone who is described as positive as a trait isn't being granted the full spectrum of human emotion. Positivity is- the way it is in science!- about the make-up of what something is. Optimism is hard-work- it is about finding solutions and always moving forward- it is something that anyone can cultivate.
A moment of quiet could be, then, a chance for me to cultivate a practice of optimism, maybe I should stop asking questions and just move forward. Or perhaps it's an oppourtunity to relfect as well. I think there should be a natural cycle of work and reflecting in one's practice- how else are we going to improve the way we do things? Why continue to blast through what we're doing when a moment of thought can actually make what we're doing more energy efficient, and with a higher output of tasks completed.
There is so much information around about how to maximise your productivity, for anyone that is looking to change up the way they work. At the moment I'm trying a method of grouping all my tasks together according to category, but you could also write your task lists at the end of the day (as my friend suggested).
In my research of trying to find a new way of working, I read about brain function (not because I know much about it but because I don’t) and apparently the brain can’t process negatives. For example: tell your brain not to think about pink elephants.
Are you thinking about pink elephants yet?
Basically, the brain’s ‘hardware’ (whatever you want to call it) hasn’t had the update about the way the world yet, and its limbic system (which deals with emotional/behavioural responses) is still stuck in the stone age telling us to fight or run from sabre tooth tigers. This is all well and good for when you find yourself in a dodgy situation down an alley (external danger) but the problem is, not only does the brain often misread the danger of situations (no, pitching your short film to a board of producers and distributers is not going to kill you) but becomes null and void when we use only our internal emotions as our compass for our external action.
So the brain will be reading your feeling that you're not good enough and start telling your body to avoid those situations, because it can't think in negative, it wants you to do something about it. It doesn't know anything about whether it's true or not.
It is only by halting this process (of unhelpful thought into unhelpful action) that we can avoid this- and this starts with noticing them, questioning them. Thinking, is that true? Is it actually true? And you can do this even more effectively by noticing the situations where these thoughts bubble up- so you can be battle-ready before you head into that situation. At the end of the day it is not only your emotions but your choices the inform where your compass points- learning to acknowledge but not be controlled by them is the path to making informed decisions to, hopefully, lead to a happy and fulfilled future.
The world is still pretty silent my end- I can hear nothing but cars piercing the morning fog, and with the sun blanketed by cloud, shining somewhere far far away, there's nothing much to say. But maybe being an artist doesn’t have to be about the round of applause, the awe, or the validation. Maybe it’s ok to just get on with things and know for yourself- you’re doing what you can.
References
*according to Forbes
Cover photo: me and Alex Mcgonagle (@alexmcgonagle98) in a production of 'Cloud 9' at Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts, directed by @willsherriffhammond and @creepingmiasma (photo credit to @andrewabphotography ).